The wonderful folks at Gestalt-Media have asked their writers to share some reflections and resolutions for the new year as 2019 finally drags itself to a merciful end.

While I am not generally one to engage in popular traditions like making New Year’s resolutions, I was struck with the idea that perhaps my thoughts might somehow inspire others as they mentally prepare themselves for another tortuous journey around the sun in this meaningless void we call life.

In that spirit I offer my personal list compiled after careful reflection of events that transpired this year:

Ten Resolutions for 2020

1. Bury the bodies. Actually bury them this year. Funny story–contrary to popular opinion, bears, coyotes, and other wildlife will not necessarily consume human remains left in the wilderness.

2. Don’t use my own computer when expressing my constitutional right to free speech. Turns out the Secret Service doesn’t appreciate hyperbole or irony.

3. Do not count on your own remarkable wit and sparkling personality to shine like Polaris through the starry abyss of social media. You actually have to clear, hoe, seed, water, fertilize, and weed that field. Who knew?

4. Never use agricultural metaphors. Or astronomical ones. Just don’t.

5. Make more of an attempt to personally connect with my readers. Because without them blah, blah, blah.

6. Exercise my brain to ward off the inevitable memory loss associated with aging. Work crosswords, jigsaw puzzles, Sudoko, etc. to keep those synapses firing.

7. Tell your family and friends every day that you love them. One day you’ll be needing them to take care of you.

8. Exercise my brain to ward off the inevitable memory loss associated with aging. Work crosswords, jigsaw puzzles, and…what’s that Japanese number thing…?

9. Get thirty minutes of aerobic exercise every d—oh, who am I kidding?

10. Resolve to make fewer resolutions next year. Ten? What was I thinking?

Wishing each of you much love and laughter in the coming year! (And a few delightful scares as I have two new horror story collections coming your way in 2020!)