(A friend just commented on this Facebook entry I wrote in 2017. While it’s not about horror writing, it is certainly a “dark thought.” For your consideration…)

 In the wake of current events with so many horrible situations cited involving men and their insidious behavior with women, I feel compelled to share something that happened recently that really hit home about how pervasive this problem is.

Last week I was dropping off some plants at a friend’s house who was away, and when I pulled up to the site, there was a stunning 50’s model classic car parked in the driveway that is shared by several homeowners in the area. I took out my phone and started to make pictures of it when the owner of the car walked up—a man I’d say who was close to my own age, 63.

I complimented him on the car and asked him how long he’d had it. He said he drove it to high school back in the day, and then added, “Got my first piece of tail in that car.”

I was stunned, and to my regret, I didn’t address the remark at all but listened to him talk further about the car and about another older model he was also restoring.

This incident has eaten away at me, and I want to share the thoughts I’ve had since then. I will appreciate any and all remarks, but I’ll be especially interested in what men have to say since we are the cause of the problem. I’ll go ahead and say that I think we men need to take more ownership on how pervasive a problem this is. But women, please, comment as well. We need to hear you.

1. It’s disturbing that a man can make such a comment to me with the assumption that I would feel the same way—that apparently all men regard women this way. That simply speaks to how close to being right that he is! It’s exactly like one white guy telling a racist joke to another white guy who just might happen to be standing next to him in the grocery line, assuming that he would find it funny.
2. The perception of the girl—“the piece of tail”—as nothing more than another object just like the car, something to be owned, displayed, used, and bragged about, was so clear that it was sickening. We were talking about cars, and his brain went right to this incident from his past where he clearly regarded a female as an object like a car. And the fact that he didn’t see that was stunning to me, but sadly, it’s all too familiar to every woman.
3. The fact that I said nothing was perhaps the most disturbing thing of all. In retrospect, there were so many things I could have said in any number of ways to make it clear that this is not an acceptable way to regard women. I could have played dumb, like “Did you run over something? Oh, you must mean a raccoon tail! I’ve seen pictures of those hanging from the mirrors in hot rods.” Or I could have just asked with a genuinely puzzled look, “A piece of tale? What do you mean?” and made him explain it. Or I could have been judgmental and frowned disapprovingly saying, “‘Piece of tale?’ Really? That’s how you refer to the first female you had sex with?”
4. I can’t stop thinking about what his “conquest” (that would likely be how he regards her) actually experienced in that car. Was she coerced? Was she a barely willing participant, very likely younger than he was, frightened to say anything to make him stop? How did it affect her afterwards? Was she ashamed? Did her name get circulated around his school, shaming her while holding him up as being cool? Did she get a reputation for being “that kind of girl” while he gained acceptance in the male club for having passed an unspoken rite of passage?
5. This incident is just a tiny example of what makes even worse treatment against women so common in our society. Virtually every woman has suffered because of this type of deeply rooted thinking—they’ve been whistled at, cat-called, groped, and raped. And it’s no secret that because women have been regarded as sexual objects primarily, that they have found it difficult to earn leadership roles in business and government. So why am I making a big statement about this one remark? Because it underscored for me how invasive, pervasive, and deeply ingrained this type of sexism is in male thinking, in male culture, and how I was struck dumb and speechless when confronted with it. But I shouldn’t have been. Women have been saying it forever.
6. The sexual objectification of women has always been present, but it’s way past the time when men should say “enough is enough.” The fact that our country could elect a man as president who openly expressed this kind of view of women and essentially advocated for the sexual abuse of women during his campaign should be appalling to all of us. Regardless of one’s political views, that alone should have knocked him out of any consideration for holding public office. If we as a culture regarded women with a true sense of worth, dignity, and equality, Donald Trump would never have been elected. We Americans can talk all day about how women in other countries are denigrated and mistreated, but clearly we have little room to talk. Some serious house cleaning needs to take place here at home.
7. Men need to recognize this mistreatment of women and take action to correct it. We need to call each other out when this kind of behavior and speech occurs, and we need to teach our sons from a very early age what equality really means.
8. Schools should include courses in their curriculum designed to educate our children from a social, psychological, and health perspective about how women should be treated. It needs to start early and continue into high school and it should not shy away from uncomfortable topics. Boys especially need to hear frank discussions of what exactly is not to be tolerated—about what constitutes sexual abuse. Included could be an awareness of gender issues overall and a respect and acceptance for all people for what they are—i.e. an awareness and acceptance of LGBTQ so that people are not judged, limited, or mistreated based on their sexual identity. Basic goodness about how people should be treated should be a standard part of the curriculum. But to do this, educators need more education themselves! Our biases run deep, but to change them, we first have to recognize them, and then commit to eradicating them.

Any thoughts are welcome here. What is not acceptable is to accept the status quo and shrug and say, “Well, that’s just the way men are.”

So, anyone?